If you think I’m sexy and you want my body, baby write an anonymous note on an internet message board explaining your attraction to me.

I’m so weak!

I tried to give up caffeine in the afternoons (the first step toward giving it up completely) and that only last a few days.

Days!!

On the post where I talked about giving up caffeine again, Jeff commented that maybe I should try giving up Diet Coke completely and drink as much coffee as I want.  Here’s what he said:

So, it’s what works for you. But, I’ll let you know that last year I gave up Diet Coke after years of a serious addiction. I went through withdrawals, and even had nightmares… but I did it. And now I can’t imagine going back. I am drinking more coffee now than I was, but not as much coffee as I was drinking Diet Coke. My two cents, for what it’s worth… quit Diet Coke first, and let coffee be your substitute. Coffee (at least) is a natural substance. Then, once you’ve quit the Diet Coke successfully, you can phase out the caffeine through half-cafs or decaf.

Should I try?  Or should I just give in to the Diet Coke Gods??

This problem is really related to Diabetes.  As a Type 1 Diabetic, I’ve cut out sweets…and I use Diet Sodas as my sweet treats. On top of that, I’ve gotten to a point where I don’t enjoy food as much if I don’t have that delicious throat-burn that comes with a diet soda.

What’s a diabetic boy to do?

That I need to stop.

I’m dependent on a chemical.  And I hate that.

I’ve blogged endlessly about caffeine and my addiction to it (CAFFEINE is even a category on this site).  I’ve tried to quit before.  I’ve even tried this EXACT approach back in February.  And failed.

Here’s the plan:

• I can drink unlimited amounts of coffee in the morning.
• I can drink unlimited amounts of caffeinated soda in the afternoons.
• I can drink caffeinated soda with my lunch.
• After lunch I cannot drink any caffeine.  Only decaffeinated soda and coffee for the rest of th day.

This is phase one.  After 30 days in this phase, I’ll be changing the words “unlimited” to 2 cups of coffee/2 diet sodas.  Then I’ll move to 1 cup of coffee/1 diet soda.  Then NO caffeinated beverages!

FREEDOM!

I really want this to work out.  How many of you have faith in me this time?

My last day as a coffee bitch at the world’s largest coffee shop chain ended yesterday.  I had a rather short run…about seven months.  But in my time as a Starbucks Barista I learned a few lessons about myself, coffee, business and people. Here is the list of nine lessons I learned as a Starbucks Barista (in no particular order):

1.Surprise & Delight. As a Barista we are given the liberty to hand out free drinks occasionally and to do something that a lot of people call surprise & delight.  A surprise & delight is when you have a good drink that you just made incorrectly (such as: if a customer wanted an ICED mocha and you made it hot) and you surprise a customer by giving it to them for free.  This also applies to pastries that maybe fell apart in shipping.  “Have you tried our pumpkin scones? This one fell apart, so I can’t sell it…but you should try it.”

This surprise & delight concept is something that I’m going to start using in life and business.  Way too rarely do we just give because we want to make other people happy.  One hundred percent free of agenda…hoping for and expecting nothing in return.  Don’t be surprised if you get surprised or delighted soon.

2. Baristas are really good liars. I’m not talking about “um…yeah, that’s non-fat” when it’s not.  I’m talking about the lying that we are forced to do by our managers.  Do you think that I really believe a 400 calorie pastry would go good with your 1,500 calorie white mocha?!  Fuck no…I don’t want you to go into a sugar coma.  But I’m afraid my manager is within earshot, so I do the suggestive selling like I’m supposed to.  “Would you like to try a bacon sandwich to go with your bacon-grease shake today?”

3. Smiling is contagious. That old Charlie Chaplin song about smiling when you’re down is actually true. After a six-hour shift of pretending to be happy, you kind of are. You’re also beat down, smell like putrid milk and hate the way that ASU girls say, “Can I get that with soy?”  Like the song says, “if you smile through the pain and sorrow, then maybe tomorrow you’ll see the sun come shining through.”  And it’s totally cliche…but I’ve also found it to be true.

I also learned that there’s no easier way to make a dick head feel bad then a simple smile.  After getting yelled at because “this is the second time in two weeks I’ve had to wait longer than four minutes for my drink,” you just smile.  That smile puts you on the higher ground and almost automatically helps the jerk realize how ridiculous they are being.

4. Some drinks are sexier than others. Quite frankly, I don’t know that I’d ever be able to sleep with a grande strawberries and creame frapp kind of guy.  But give me a venti americano (no room) any day.

5. Good people are everywhere. I met some of the nicest, smartest, most genuine people working at the Bux.  When I started my job as a barista, I knew I was going to be there less than a year…but I never imagined that it would be so tough to leave some of the people.

6. I can work hard. On paper, it might not sound so bad.  Wake up a few hours early and drag your butt into the coffee shop and earn a couple of extra bucks.  But in reality, it’s not just waking up a few hours early.  Working on three or four hours of sleep will eventually wear you the hell out.  And this job is much more mentally and physically draining that I ever expected it to be.  You have to remember drink recipes, carry six gallons of milk at a time, be nice to people and run from the oven to the window a hundred times a day.  I genuinely worked hard for my money at Starbucks.  And it feels good to know that I was able to do it for so long.

7. There is something beautiful about cleaning up someone else’s mess. It’s the busiest time of the morning; everyone is scattering like Japanese nuclear engineers (too soon??) and inevitably somethings going to spill.  Well the barista responsible for the spill has a drink to hand off and has to remake the spilled drink…so I grab a rag and I clean up the spill.  We’re partners, right?  And maybe I’m over thinking this one, but it actually feels really good to be part of a team – a team where you know someone’s got your back and will help you when you need it.  I’d guess that this is a feeling that people feel on an organized sports team, but my sports experience is somewhat limited.

8. It is possible to miss the toilet entirely while pooping.

9. Know what you’re selling. I’ve walked into a restaurant with questions about the food, and received a cross-eyed look from the employee. I got a shrug of the shoulders when I asked a Barnes & Noble employee if they carried a title from my sister’s Amazon Wish List.  But if you walk into a Starbucks, most of the baristas will be able to tell you the difference between a Southeast Asian, Latin American and African coffee bean.  That’s primarily because Starbucks encourages their partners to taste and discuss coffee…they encourage us to know the product.  As a customer, that says a lot.  And in the future, all the people who work with me will entirely understand what we’re selling.  I’ll do my best to make sure everyone around me is active in understanding what we do and what their role is in our mission.

I’m really happy that I’ll never have to hear someone say, “I don’t know how much is on here” when they hand me a Starbucks card.  And I won’t have to say, “What size?” again.  And most importantly I’ll be able to get a full-nights sleep for two days in a row.  Part of me wants to write a big Fuck You to the Bux…but I will admit that I’ve learned some valuable lessons there and I’m going to miss seeing all of my partners on a regular basis.

Would you like a piece of Banana Walnut Bread to go with that?

I’ve written endlessly about my caffeine addiction, so much so that it even has its own category here. I’m seriously addicted to caffeine, and I’m about to do something about that.

On Monday I didn’t drink any caffeine…and I had one of the worst days ever.  I’m not joking, I was mean.  I made kids cry.  I was unhappy.  It was serious.

So I decided (again) that I need to do something about this.  And I’m going to be smarter about it than I have been in the past.  I’m not quitting cold-turkey.  I’m going to ween myself off of this drug.

So here’s the plan: starting today I won’t drink any caffeinated beverages after my lunch.  That means decaf coffee and decaf diet coke are okay.  I’m going to do this for a while until I find that it’s easy (it might take me a while).  Then I’ll enter phase two where I cut some more.

I had this with my lunch.

Well today, I’m giving it up again.

This time is different because…well it isn’t. But I may succeed this time because I’m going to temporarily increase my coffee intake to substitute for the caffeine loss.

How long do you give me?

Luckily on Friday I spent the night at my parent’s house and I on my way to the club on Saturday morning I passed a Dunkin’ Donuts and pulled in and bought a delicious iced coffee.

One thing that I noticed about the logo is that the font kind of looks like the font I used on this site.  Am I right?

It was 100% unintentional.  Do you think that when I re-designed this site I subliminally connected to the Dunkin design?

As a side-note, when I twittered that I was loving the Dunkin’ Donuts coffee, my friend Joe replied:

joeb7474Dunkin’ Donuts is a good place for a diabetic to hang.

Good point, Joe.  But they’ll sweeten your coffee with Splenda.

One host consumed less than 200mg a day.

One host consumed about 600mg a day.

And then me.  900mg give or take.

So I made the choice to give up sodas and energy drinks all together.  Cold turkey.  Today is just day one, and it’s still morning, so I have nothing to report.

I am allowed to drink coffee in the morning still.  And Jill introduced me to Splenda Flavors For Coffee, which are these little sugar-free flavor packets that you put in your coffee…and they are A-MAZING.  Seriously.  I’m sipping on a mocha right now.  Even people who have a functioning pancreas would enjoy these flavors.