This is the one with a missed connection.

It’s Tuesday, y’all! So here is Episode 10 of the What Some Would Call Lies podcast.

If you think I’m sexy and you want my body, baby write an anonymous note on an internet message board explaining your attraction to me.

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This is the one about puppets.

Here’s Episode 8 of What Some Would Call Lies.

Listen!

Some of life’s toughest dilemmas can be solved by a person who manipulates an inanimate object in real time to create the illusion of life. 

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And don’t forget to write an iTunes review before January 30th for your chace to win the kickass t-shirt.

[Contest Details]

This is the one about refusing to finish.

Despite the graphic topic of this post, I’m going to attempt to write it in the most PG-13 way possible.

I was 18 when I had my first serious relationship with a man…well, boy.  We were both boys.  Additionally, we were both young and incredibly naïve.

I’m friends with First Boyfriend (who will now be called 1stbf) on Facebook.  And last week 1stbf wrote on his Facebook wall that he thought that he felt a cold coming on.  And I suddenly had a flashback of the two of us on a boat in a harbor in Long Beach making out (that’s a long story).  Things were headed in one direction…get me?  And he suddenly stopped me.  “I can’t finish,” he told me (maybe using another word for “finish” but remember I’m trying to be PG-13).  “I think I’m about to get a cold…and if I finish, it will weaken my immune system.”

That’s when I crossed my arms and gave him my best Daria look (see image to the left).  “Are you being serious right now?”

He told me that when he feels illness coming on he never finishes.  Even when he’s alone.

WTF, right?

I was 18…so I had this strange definition of “sex” that required both parties to finish.  If only one person finished, it wasn’t “sex” but rather some kinky thing that only happened at swingers parties.

This “I don’t finish when I feel illness coming on” thing made for a particularly difficult flu season.  And I promptly broke up with him before the fall cold season started.

Last week when I read his “starting to feel sick” Facebook status, I messaged him.  Here’s what I had to say:

What’s up 1stbf?!  Your status reminded me of this random memory:  when we were dating (over 10 years ago!!!!!) you refused to finish if you felt like you were getting sick. Hahahahhaha….do you remember that? You said it would bring the sickness on quicker. Do you still feel that way?

He responded shortly after:

HAHAHA WHAT??? That’s hilarious! I don’t even remember that nor do I remember ever feeling that way! Gosh, we were so young. I can’t believe it’s been about 12 years now!!! Speaking of random memories, do you remember when we used to make out on that boat in Long Beach?

I’m glad that he acknowledged his naiveté and he has gotten over this ridiculous belief; I’m sure his current boyfriend is glad too.

Maybe later I’ll tell you the story about the boat.  Haha.

This is the one about the ‘Importance of Being Slutty.’

I’m sure you think this same thought all the time: I really wish Oscar Wilde was still alive.

Right?

I recently had a Facebook conversation that was totally worthy of an Oscar Wilde play.  But since it was on Facebook, I guess it couldn’t have actually been Wilde…you know, since he’s been dead for over 100 years.

Here you go, the dramatic re-enactment (some names have been changed to protect the innocent):

JEFF: Someone is trying to set me up with someone you know.  Richard. I need details.

MIKE: I dated him. He’s super cute and wonderful. I can’t say anything bad about him. But I think maybe he’s dating his ex again….Richard. If he’s not dating him, they are close…and that’s the only issue I’d look out for.

[AUTHOR'S NOTE: When I said he is dating his ex "Richard" I meant to say "Daniel."  This is an inciting incident that causes mass confusion later on.]

JEFF: His name’s Mike. That’s the guy setting us up.

MIKE: Hahaha. Oh wait. So RICHARD is trying to set you up with someone? (TELL HIM ALL THE NICE THINGS I SAID ABOUT HIM, BTW). What is Mike’s last name??

JEFF: No… Mike is the ex. He’s setting me up with Richard.  Mike P***.

MIKE: I really think Richard is dating Daniel F. Oh god this is confusing. If not, Richard is a good guy and worth a date. What an incestuous gay world.

[AUTHOR'S NOTE: When I first met Jeff we were both young and he taught me many things.  Things like how to order a pizza online, how to convince online men to move from Ohio to live with you, and we may have hooked up.]

JEFF: Ok, so let me get this straight. Richard dated Richard, Mike, Mike, and now Daniel . Years ago Jeff hooked up with Mike, and now be has a crush on Mike. Richard is still hung up on Richard, according to Mike. Mike thinks Daniel is no good for Richard, and is setting him up with Jeff. Sound right?

MIKE: Fucking gays.  Richard dated Daniel YEARS ago (like before I met you I met Richard and Daniel as a couple).

Richard is besties with Mike Lawson’s friend from Boys & Girls Club and reconnected. And dated Richard briefly. Good guy, but I was itching to move to Phoenix.

Jeff hooked up with Mike P***. Jeff is crushing on Mike P***.

Wait, there are two Richards?

JEFF: No, Jeff hooked up with Mike L, and is crushing on Mike P***, who is crushing on Mario. And I thought you said there were two Richards? I know there are two Mikes.

[AUTHOR'S NOTE: I like how Jeff had to remind me that we hooked up. In my defense, it was about 10 years ago]

MIKE: Mario?

[AUTHOR'S NOTE: If this were really a comedy farce, the role of Mario would be played by some bit actor that would also play the butler. At one point, it would be required for both actors to be on stage, and hilarity would ensue.]

MIKE: Okay….let me map what I think is happening. Richard dated Daniel YEARS ago (like before I met you I met Richard and Daniel as a couple).

Richard is besties with Mike Lawson’s friend from Boys & Girls Club and reconnected. And dated Richard briefly. Good guy, but I was itching to move to Phoenix.

Jeff hooked up with Mike L. Jeff is crushing on Mike P***.

Mike P***. is crushing on Mario.

So Mike P***. wants to set up Jeff with Richard. But Mike L. is pretty certain that Richard is back with Daniel. But if Daniel isn’t in the picture, he suggests that Jeff do it with Richard because he’s awesome. Mike L. only cautions Jeff that MAYBE Richard is still kicking it with Daniel and that could become an issue but Mike L. doesn’t know for certain.

JEFF: So Richard is definitely dating someone right now, but Mike P***. doesn’t like the guy (and it sounds like Richard isn’t that happy either) so Jeff is being set-up as a “friend” with hopes that Richard will dump BF with Undetermined Name. Everyone but BFwUN is aware of this but we’re supposed to pretend we don’t know.

[AUTHOR'S NOTE: 10 minute intermission]

JEFF: Confirmation, BFwUN is Daniel.

[AUTHOR'S NOTE: We're still working on the third act]

Seriously, does this kind of conversation happen to straight people?

This is the one with a visitor.

My good friend Cherisse came to town for Phoenix Pride this weekend.  We had a lot of fun…and there are photos to prove it.  Check out my Flickr or my Facebook.

This is the one that got away.

If you’ve ever been 20, I think you can understand this one.

When I was younger (19ish), I dated a guy named Steve.  And Steve was pretty dope (that’s a good thing).  And I was a jerk to him (in only the way 19ish year olds can be).  And I sometimes think back (I don’t have a parenthetical aside for this sentence, but every other sentence in the paragraph has one so I’m searching my brain to think of one…oh well) and I wonder how things would have been if I had been more mature, or if he had been more mature, or if anything was different.

Have you done this?

This obsessive chose-your-own-adventure-reminiscing is only fueled by Facebook.  I cyber-stalk a handful of my past lovers (that’s how I got the picture of him above).  And I can tell you that Steve appears to be happy and well-fed.  So that’s good.

And maybe he would be happier or more well-fed if he still knew me and got to hear all the funny anecdotal stories I have about overheard conversations in grocery stores or the pithy tale I tell of an asparagus and ham casserole dinner gone wrong.  Or maybe he’d be less happy if he still knew me.

I wonder at times if any of my past is checking in on me the way that I’m checking in on them. Not interested enough to say, “hey” but concerned enough to click the mouse five or six times and look at the latest Facebook photos and read the most recent blog entries.

Please tell me you check-in on your past lovers too.

This is the one with a missed connection.

Do you know what Craigslist Missed Connections is?  If not, here’s a snarky explanation that makes you feel stupid for not knowing what it is:

Oh my god! You really don’t know what Missed Connections is?  Did you just get the Internet or something?  Don’t answer that. Anyway, Missed Connections is this page on Craigslist where people post stories about when they came across someone who they wanted to talk to but didn’t.  Just about everyone (well, except you) reads this page and looks for people who are looking for them.  Like, “Hey, I saw you in the grocery store buying melon and I totally thought you were hot.”  And then the hot melon buyer could respond and connect with someone they were too afraid of connecting with in real life.  Get it now??

So I received a message from a friend telling me that there was a Craigslist Missed Connection posting that was probably about me [link].  It says this:

Barista at Starbucks – m4m

This is the one where I come out to Joan.

About seven years ago (shit time flies!!) I started a job at a Club in California developing a literacy program for adults and children.  It was one of the last times that I was truly excited to go to work every day.  I spent a lot of time with a woman my age named Joan.  We shared an “office” which was basically a storage closet with a big Rubbermaid folding table in the middle and a power-strip that we used to plug our laptops in.

Joan had the same work-ethic as me, and we would often leave work at the end of a day, drink coffee or eat dinner than go back for one or two more hours of unpaid work.

I was totally over worked and underpaid, but we were really happy.

During our many chit-chats I learned that Joan was a year out of a really long-term relationship.  And even though she was the one that broke it off with her ex-boyfriend, she was having trouble moving on.  Coincidentally I was about a year out of a really long-term relationship and even though I was the one that broke it off with my ex-boyfriend, I was having trouble moving on.

In the first few months of our friendship, we were really just coworkers that spent a lot of time together.  And I was a bit guarded about telling her that I was homosexual.  I could tell that she was very liberal, accepting and would have no problems with the gay thing.  It was just very personal and I didn’t feel comfortable yet.

One night we went out to a Vietnamese restaurant and we were talking about her relationship.  I was, as usual, using ambiguous pronouns to describe my ex, but then she asked me a question that totally confronted the issue and I could no longer skirt the question.

“So, where does she live?” she asked about my ex.

“He lives in Los Angeles,” I said correcting and answering her.

“WHAT?!” she gasped.

“I know.  LA is so far and inconvenient.”

We laughed about my response for years.

I really enjoy funny coming out stories.  Recently my manager at Sbux was talking to me about baking and she said something like, “it’s a really good recipe you could bake for your girlfriend.”  And I was like…”I haven’t had a girlfriend in a few years.”

How quickly should you correct someone when they assume you’re straight?

This is the one about an old crush.

First of all, that little picture for this blog post took me entirely too long to make.  I drew it…and it’s just a copy of the Foursquare Barista badge (which I totally have).  I was just in the mood to draw something, but then I couldn’t come up with anything so here you go…blatant plagiarism.

Well this post is about a really old crush that I used to have.  Back in California I was part of a writers group that would meet at a local Starbucks and we’d share our writing with one another and offer criticism and feedback to one another.

We would normally meet at a Starbucks close to my home, and I started crushing hardcore on a barista that worked there.  It was really lame.  I was like 22 and he 18/19ish.  I’ve blogged about my barista fetish before [read it here], so just wearing the green apron gave him a few points in my book.

As time passed I learned more and more about him, and these new details should have clued me into the truth that it would have never worked.  He smoked (I can’t kiss a smoker); his big dream in life was to open a medical marijuana facility (I can’t raise my kids on drug money); he dropped out of high school (we’d never be able to compare our Senior Proms!!); and I’m pretty sure he wasn’t even interested (I guess that is a bit of an impediment).

I started forcing my friends to go sit at this coffee shop so I could snag a little conversation with this guy, and all my friends kept trying to gently tell me that I was stupid for imagining a relationship with this guy.  “Umm…he lives with his parents,” they’d say.  Or my favorite, “The only vegetable he eats is marijuana, and I’m not sure that counts.”

I knew deep down that it would have never worked…and you should always listen to your friends.  But haven’t you ever tricked yourself into overlooking the many flaws of someone who is super sexy?

I did eventually see how dumb I was being – perhaps if he had reacted to some of my subtle flirting we would have had a fling, but nothing long-term – and gave up.  Before I moved to Arizona I met up with a friend for one last cup of espresso at that sBux, and the sexy barista said something like, “woah, haven’t seen you in a while.”

And I was like, “I’ve been busy getting ready for a big move.”

And he was like, “cool.”

And I was like, “see ya.”

This is the one about my Pandora Playlist.

I like gay music.  And I’m not talking like a high school boy…as in “Fucking Mike likes gay music.”  I mean that my taste in music is quite homosexual.  I think this fact has been pretty established with posts like This is the one about last night’s Glee and This is the one about my music preferences.

I started listening to Pandora in the car when I was driving 1 million miles every day for work (give or take 999896 miles).  So the list started getting more and more refined, and it now knows me really well. (If you don’t know how Pandora Radio works, I’d suggest you read this article.)

When I got to the office yesterday I flipped on my Pandora Playlist which I’ve called Mike’s Musicals and kind of laughed at the first few songs that came on.  “Is this a 29-year-old man’s playlist, or the playlist of a 12-year-old girl?” I thought to myself.  No joking, these are the first few songs I heard:

*”Rehab” by Glee Cast (http://bit.ly/cWTW2s)

*”Friend Like Me” from Aladdin (http://bit.ly/bEvbhn)

*”I’ll Cover You (Reprise)” from RENT: Original Motion Picture Cast (http://bit.ly/9NigwM)

*”Tell Me Something Good (Glee Cast Version)” by Glee Cast (http://bit.ly/cQElL8)

*”Over The Rainbow” by Israel ‘IZ’ Kamakawiwo’ole (http://bit.ly/bmhSc9)

*”Defying Gravity” by Kristin Chenoweth, Idina Menzel & Company (http://bit.ly/dAwgEX)

*”A Brand New Day” from The Wiz (Original Motion Picture Cast) (http://bit.ly/b44TDT)

*”It’s The Hard-Knock Life” from Annie (30th Anniversary Cast) (http://bit.ly/aA40l1)

*”Dreamgirls (Finale)” by Jennifer Hudson, Beyonce, Sharon Leal & Anika Noni Rose (http://bit.ly/9bJiM7)

Aladdin?  Rent?  Glee? Okay, I’m not ASHAMED…but maybe I’m a bit guarded about who I tell about my musical preferences.

I’ve written about this before, but my musical preferences are closely connected to my sexual identity.  As a child I was (unintentionally) made to feel ashamed of my musical preferences…I was supposed to like The Red Hot Chili Peppers, not the original Broadway Cast Recording of Starlight Express.  And as an adult I know that I have no reason to be ashamed of the music I like, but it’s hard to come out of that closet.

Years ago I used to have specific playlists in my iTunes library that didn’t contain any “gay” music.  I remember blushing when two different versions of “Bali Ha’i” from the musical South Pacific came on back-to-back once when I had company.

Do you guys have “butch” or “gay” playlists?  Do you “straighten-up” your musical library for mixed company?  Or am I totally nutso?