Please allow me to preface this post by saying that I am an atheist, and I believe that all religion is a waste of your time.  I have found a way to make being happy my religion.  There are fewer rules, and being an atheist doesn’t require blind faith…it just requires thought.

My parents live in an area where there are quite a few Mormons…well, I’m assuming there are a lot of them based on the number of temples that keep popping up.

Anyway, my mother, who is a very devout Christian, has beef with the Mormon church.  It’s almost more than beef…it’s kind of like a slight hate.  (Isn’t it ironic that hate has almost become a Christian principle lately??)

My mom criticizes the Mormon religion for a few reasons…all of which are pretty hypocritical.  First, she says that the Mormon church requires its members to give money.  And then in different conversations she has explained that the bible says that everyone should give 10% of their money, and time to their churches.  (SIDENOTE: Mormon’s aren’t required to give cash [called a tithing], but most do.)

My mom is also critical of the Mormon commercials on the tele.  (Anyone remember “WHO BROKE MY WINDOW?”)  My mom says a real religion wouldn’t need to rely on such crude tactics to recruit members.  My mother also watches a T.V. evangelist named Joyce Meyers, and often buys her books, audio tapes, magazines, and sends her regular contributions.

And then last weekend I was driving with my mom and we saw a billboard less than a block from a Mormon temple for an organization called PostMormon and they are a support group for people that decide to leave the Mormon church.  I laughed and pointed it out to Mom.

“Strategic placement,” I said.

And this opened the doors for my mom to start another anti-Mormon tirade.  “Did you know that those crazy Mormons have their own book?”

“Umm…your religion has a book too.  It’s the bible,” I said.

“Yeah, but our was written in the time of Jesus.”

Ugh.  Religion is such a waste of time.

There are two quick pieces of info I should tell you right away: 1.) I’m an athiest. 2.) My mom is a very dedicated Christian.

I’m pretty honest with my parents about just about everything, but for some reason I’ve never been able to tell my mom that I don’t believe in her god. My brain always goes into risk management mode. What’s the cost/benefit analysis? What would improve if I told her? What would get worse?

I can’t think of how me telling her that I thought her religion is the opiate of the people would benefit either of us. So I just keep my mouth shut. When she tells me about what her bible says, or when she talks about homosexuals (she knows that I am one, but still talks about “gay and lesbian people”) I just bite my tongue and let it pass. On the few occasions when I’ve actually spoken up, it usually turns into a big fight where her feelings get hurt (she’s not a great debater, really).

So I was listening to the song Let Me Borrow That Top by the Comedian/Singer Kelly and there is a pretty funny line in that song that could totally solve all of the religious arguments here in the Lawson Castle:

I’ve already been to heaven
I’ve already been to heaven
I’ve already been to heaven
And after five minutes I was like, “Let’s Go!”

How would Mom respond to that one?

Here’s the audio for the entire song. It’s an odd one, but it will totally get stuck in your head.

If you haven’t heard of Kelly, she is a bitchy character created by the Canadian comedian Liam Sullivan. The sassy “betch” is also responsible for SHOES.