Check it out! Episode 21: Melody, rhythm and sentimental value
Today I’ll tell you the much needed explanation of why I never became a professional singer.
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I feel lousy.
Just listen.
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This week I explain the photo above and talk about storytelling. Have a listen! Episode 19: Remember - Memory is the ability of the mind to store and recall past thoughts or knowledge…does that include overstatements, embellishments and embroidery?
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Got ten minutes? Listen to Episode 18: So Why Don’t You Kill Me?
Oh the things we’ll do just to fit in. Things like getting crazy with the cheese wiz, spray painting the vegetables and shaving your face with mace in the dark. Sprechen sie Deutches, baby. You’re probably thinking “what the hell is this loser talking about?” Well, let me explain.
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Y’all knew I was a complete bitch when you weren’t around, right? This week I prove it in Episode 15: It’s A Diminutive Planet In The End.
Listen now!
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Back in 1999 I received a very strange piece of mail. It came in a manilla envelope with no return address. The postmark was Los Angeles, California. And the envelope was addressed to me.
When I opened it, there was a 5×7 glossy of Steve Guttenberg. The Steve Guttenberg. Of 3 Men and a Baby fame.
The photo was signed. It said “think peace” and had Guttenberg’s signature.
To this day I have no clue who “ordered” the autographed photo or why it was sent to me.
Have you ever received a strange piece of mail?
In the early 2000s, I had a reoccurring dream that always felt really real. It starts with me seeing this small carcass…I think it’s a baby bird. But I couldn’t really tell because the ants painted the little body black.
So I find myself more interested in the ants than the carcass. I followed the ants. And it was weird, in a dreamy way, but I started following the train of ants through the sharp strips of dead brown grass…and it felt like I was being led by nose. My feet were floating in the air, like something was tugging at my nostrils, pulling me forward. Forcing me to follow this parade of hard-working insects.
I followed them to the asphalt. The dirty, stressed, over-worked black-top. I spread out on the black surface, for some reason exhausted. I smell my junior high cafeteria and hair mousse and despondency. And I’m crushed.
I feel uncomfortable in my clothing, and that’s why I realize that I’m wearing my grey gym shirt and my red gym shorts. Most of my classmates purchased the long sweat pants. My mom bought me the cheaper red shorts but the had a 1970s gay porn star look. Nobody wore those. Everyone wore sweat pants.
Embarrassed, I stood up and tried to pull the shorts down a bit. Everyone laughed. If they weren’t noticing my gym shorts, they were laughing at how dirty I was from rolling on the asphalt. I thought about crying, but no one ever saw cry. Only mom, dad and Julie.
I’m surrounded by laughing classmates, so I don’t have anywhere to run. They’re just pointing at my shorts and laughing. But their laughs aren’t normal laughs. These laughs are black and I can see them come out of their mouths and fall to the ground. I notice that the laughs are scattering around the ground like the ants and when I realize that they are climbing my legs and covering me the way they covered the baby bird, I usually wake up.
When I started WhatSomeWouldCallLies.com I was in transition. I was leaving the world of political blogging and news reporting, and I still wanted to write…but I wanted to write something new. My first blog entry on this site explains:
This blog will contain, in no particular order, stories from my life that I will retell as accurately as possible.
In the past couple of years I’ve strayed from the idea of this site being a blog of Mike’s life-stories. This site has been a home to an eclectic mix of crap Mike likes to talk about. There’s been a lot of Diabetes Blogging, drawings and pictures of children flipping off the camera.
Starting today I’m going to return to telling the stories of my life (in no particular order). So expect to see more posts like these:
Notice anything wrong in the photo?
I’ve been limping around since Sunday. I accidentally kicked my bed and I’m pretty certain the toe is broken. My mom used to always kick furniture when I was a kid and I remember thinking that it was ridiculous.
Because I’ve been walking on my left leg all strangely, my ankle and calf have started to hurt too.
And the kicker (Pun!) is that I was going to start an exercise regimen on Monday. Instead of hitting the treadmill, I’ve started swimming every night after work. It’s a start.
