This is the one about Steve Guttenberg.

Back in 1999 I received a very strange piece of mail.  It came in a manilla envelope with no return address.  The postmark was Los Angeles, California.  And the envelope was addressed to me.

When I opened it, there was a 5×7 glossy of Steve Guttenberg.  The Steve Guttenberg.  Of 3 Men and a Baby fame.

The photo was signed.  It said “think peace” and had Guttenberg’s signature.

To this day I have no clue who “ordered” the autographed photo or why it was sent to me.

Have you ever received a strange piece of mail?

This is the one about a reoccurring dream.

In the early 2000s, I had a reoccurring dream that always felt really real.  It starts with me seeing this small carcass…I think it’s a baby bird.  But I couldn’t really tell because the ants painted the little body black.

So I find myself more interested in the ants than the carcass.  I followed the ants.  And it was weird, in a dreamy way, but I started following the train of ants through the sharp strips of dead brown grass…and it felt like I was being led by nose.  My feet were floating in the air, like something was tugging at my nostrils, pulling me forward.  Forcing me to follow this parade of hard-working insects.

I followed them to the asphalt.  The dirty, stressed, over-worked black-top. I spread out on the black surface, for some reason exhausted. I smell my junior high cafeteria and hair mousse and despondency.  And I’m crushed.

I feel uncomfortable in my clothing, and that’s why I realize that I’m wearing my grey gym shirt and my red gym shorts.  Most of my classmates purchased the long sweat pants.  My mom bought me the cheaper red shorts but the had a 1970s gay porn star look.  Nobody wore those.  Everyone wore sweat pants.

Embarrassed, I stood up and tried to pull the shorts down a bit.  Everyone laughed.  If they weren’t noticing my gym shorts, they were laughing at how dirty I was from rolling on the asphalt.  I thought about crying, but no one ever saw cry.  Only mom, dad and Julie.

I’m surrounded by laughing classmates, so I don’t have anywhere to run.  They’re just pointing at my shorts and laughing.  But their laughs aren’t normal laughs.  These laughs are black and I can see them come out of their mouths and fall to the ground.  I notice that the laughs are scattering around the ground like the ants and when I realize that they are climbing my legs and covering me the way they covered the baby bird, I usually wake up.

This is the one with a list of things I do not hate.

1. Books
2. The smell of gasoline
3. Money
4. Tequila
5. Orgasms
6. New shoes
7. Talk radio
8. Pepper
9. Silence
10. Black and white photographs
11. Op-ed pages
12. TV shows where you see people get operated on
13. Children that cuss
14. Freshly sharpened pencils

This is the one with a new purpose.

When I started WhatSomeWouldCallLies.com I was in transition.  I was leaving the world of political blogging and news reporting, and I still wanted to write…but I wanted to write something new.  My first blog entry on this site explains:

This blog will contain, in no particular order, stories from my life that I will retell as accurately as possible.

In the past couple of years I’ve strayed from the idea of this site being a blog of Mike’s life-stories.  This site has been a home to an eclectic mix of crap Mike likes to talk about.  There’s been a lot of Diabetes Blogging, drawings and pictures of children flipping off the camera.

Starting today I’m going to return to telling the stories of my life (in no particular order).  So expect to see more posts like these:

• This is the one that explains why I’m afraid of the oven.
• This is the one where I pass notes.
• This is the one where I date a Republican.

This is the one where it’s hard to walk.

Notice anything wrong in the photo?

I’ve been limping around since Sunday.  I accidentally kicked my bed and I’m pretty certain the toe is broken.  My mom used to always kick furniture when I was a kid and I remember thinking that it was ridiculous.

Because I’ve been walking on my left leg all strangely, my ankle and calf have started to hurt too.

And the kicker (Pun!) is that I was going to start an exercise regimen on Monday.  Instead of hitting the treadmill, I’ve started swimming every night after work.  It’s a start.

This is the one about adding paint.

My friend Jenna runs a really cool DIY blog called Add Some Paint.  Jenna and her sisters post little DIY projects that are kind of inspiring.  The most recent project is a kick butt refurbished desk that is refinished on top with dry-erase paint.  RAD!

And if the cool projects and recipes weren’t enough of a reason to check it out, they are giving away a gift card and a set of these cool magnets that Ali posted a tutorial on last month.

Why are you not on their blog already?!?

AddSomePaint.com

This is the one that is hot.

So you know that saying, “hotter than a witch’s tit”?

I don’t know if this is one of those things that conservative people say because they don’t want to say “bitch” and they are actually trying to say “hotter than a bitch’s tit” in their prudish way.  Or is there something exceptionally warm about the breast of witches?

This is the kind of thing I lose sleep over.

This is the one that is uneducated about chinchillas.

I work in web marketing, and a large part of my day-to-day includes submitting my client’s website information to different online directories.  Many of these directories include a feature where customers can review their experiences with businesses.

How Did We Do? is a series of real customer feedback (the majority of the time these reviews are not for my clients’ businesses).  I have not fabricated any of these reviews…I merely took a screenshot and am sharing.

Today’s How Did We Do? is an InsiderPages review for a pet store in Charlotte North Carolina:

It’s sad really.  The American education system has failed this country.  I truly believe that everyone should be educated about chinchillas…at least for conversational purposes.

You can see all the How Did We Do? posts here.

This is the one with my 12.

On the 12th day of each month bloggers from all over the world take 12 photos of their day.  The 12 of 12 project was Chad’s idea, and you can go to his website to see the links of all the people who participated this month.

And you can see all of my 12 of 12s by going to my 12 of 12 page.

Here are my photos from June 12, 2011.

There are two things to look at in this photo. ONE: my Kellogg bed t-shirt and TWO: my arm tattoo.

There are two things to look at in this photo. ONE: the baby Buddha next to my bed. TWO: the layer of dust on my bed-side table.

There are two things to look at in this photo. ONE: My really high glucose level (I blame it on last night’s a-a-a-alcohol). TWO: despite earlier claims, I’m still using my One Touch Ultra 2.

There are two things to look at in this photo. ONE: Sound board in the background is because we’re recording an episode of Game Night Guys. TWO: We played NERTS.

There are two things to look at in this photo. ONE: My cards have 80s trivia on them. TWO: Brian was much better at this game than I was.

There are two things to look at in this photo. ONE: My pretty mojito.  TWO: The pretty Hyatt lobby bar in the background.

There are two things to look at in this photo. ONE: My insulin that I’m about to inject before dinner.  TWO: Brian’s geeky pose that he did just after saying I always post insulin pictures in my 12 of 12.

There are two things to look at in this photo. ONE: The talented cast of the Catch Me If You Can performing on the Tony Awards.  TWO: Leo Butz dancing before he won his Tony.

There are two things to look at in this photo. ONE: My margarita.  TWO: My Facebook.

There are two things to look at in this photo. ONE: Kid art that is behind my desk.  TWO: the top left is a picture a kid drew of me forgetting the gas cap from our Boys & Girls Club bus at the gas station.

There are two things to look at in this photo. ONE: A fresh syringe (I re-use syringes for one week…or until they hurt).  TWO: Doesn’t my camera take kick butt macro photos?

There are two things to look at in this photo. ONE: Why am I making that stupid face?  TWO: My new hair doooooo.

This is the one that is pretty fly.

The (unsecured) wifi at my apartment was so incredibly slooooooooooooooooow.  I’m pretty sure one of our neighbors was stealing. So I went in and encrypted that mutha.

While I was at it, I also re-named our router: