Posted May 7th, 2011 by Mike Lawson
Despite the graphic topic of this post, I’m going to attempt to write it in the most PG-13 way possible.
I was 18 when I had my first serious relationship with a man…well, boy. We were both boys. Additionally, we were both young and incredibly naïve.
I’m friends with First Boyfriend (who will now be called 1stbf) on Facebook. And last week 1stbf wrote on his Facebook wall that he thought that he felt a cold coming on. And I suddenly had a flashback of the two of us on a boat in a harbor in Long Beach making out (that’s a long story). Things were headed in one direction…get me? And he suddenly stopped me. “I can’t finish,” he told me (maybe using another word for “finish” but remember I’m trying to be PG-13). “I think I’m about to get a cold…and if I finish, it will weaken my immune system.”
That’s when I crossed my arms and gave him my best Daria look (see image to the left). “Are you being serious right now?”
He told me that when he feels illness coming on he never finishes. Even when he’s alone.
WTF, right?
I was 18…so I had this strange definition of “sex” that required both parties to finish. If only one person finished, it wasn’t “sex” but rather some kinky thing that only happened at swingers parties.
This “I don’t finish when I feel illness coming on” thing made for a particularly difficult flu season. And I promptly broke up with him before the fall cold season started.
Last week when I read his “starting to feel sick” Facebook status, I messaged him. Here’s what I had to say:
What’s up 1stbf?! Your status reminded me of this random memory: when we were dating (over 10 years ago!!!!!) you refused to finish if you felt like you were getting sick. Hahahahhaha….do you remember that? You said it would bring the sickness on quicker. Do you still feel that way?
He responded shortly after:
HAHAHA WHAT??? That’s hilarious! I don’t even remember that nor do I remember ever feeling that way! Gosh, we were so young. I can’t believe it’s been about 12 years now!!! Speaking of random memories, do you remember when we used to make out on that boat in Long Beach?
I’m glad that he acknowledged his naiveté and he has gotten over this ridiculous belief; I’m sure his current boyfriend is glad too.
Maybe later I’ll tell you the story about the boat. Haha.
Posted April 6th, 2011 by Mike Lawson
My goal for 2011 is to watch all 100 movies from the American Film Institutes’s list of 100 greatest movies of all time [see the list here]. Number 91 on the list is Sophie’s Choice and number 90 is Swing Time. I have 89 movies to go.
I watched these two movies, but don’t want to bore you with my opinions. The short version is this: I loved Swing Time and didn’t love Sophie’s Choice.
Chances are you’re going to see more of these non-reviews in the future. It’s too tough to write long movie reviews and watch all the movies. Frankly.
Posted March 20th, 2011 by Mike Lawson
My goal for 2011 is to watch all 100 movies from the American Film Institutes’s list of 100 greatest movies of all time [see the list here]. Number 92 on the list is GoodFellas. I have 91 movies to go.
Sure, mom, I settle down with a nice girl every night, then I’m free the next morning.
This was surely one of the best mob movies I’ve ever seen. Granted I’ve only seen a handful.
Martin Scorsese is well-known for a lot of movies (three or four that are on this list of movies I’ll be watching this year), and I understand why GoodFellas is on the list of his well-knowns. This movie is really real…well it feels real. It’s a bloody gory look at the mob, but they still sit down and eat dinner every night.
And there’s this surprisingly potent love story between Liotta and Bracco which brings this story even closer to home as she explains this new world that she’s suddenly part of.
Yes this is a mob movie, but it is also a movie about loyalty, trust and betrayal. It’s movie about sex, drugs, violence and the last 20ish minutes is an amazing story about how life can just crumble around you.
Just a regular guy works his way into the mob.
An editor with a heavier hand…it’s like 20 minutes too long.
Posted March 13th, 2011 by Mike Lawson
My goal for 2011 is to watch all 100 movies from the American Film Institutes’s list of 100 greatest movies of all time [see the list here]. Number 93 on the list is The French Connection. I have 92 movies to go.
You wanna play “hide the salami” with his old lady?
Bleck. This movie won five Oscars, and movie-lovers worship it. I don’t really get it.
It’s based on a true story of two cops that stumble upon a France to America drug smuggling operation.
For a movie that has one of the most well-known train chase scenes and tons of gun fire and tire screeches, it was a really slow-moving film that put me to sleep twice (granted, I’m kind of known for falling asleep in movies regardless of the pacing of the script).
I totally think that Gene Hackman is an Oscar-worthy actor…but I don’t really think his work in The French Connection was meaty enough for an Oscar.
Total snooze.
I am less than impressed by the size of your gun.
A faster, more engaging story.
Posted March 2nd, 2011 by Mike Lawson
My goal for 2011 is to watch all 100 movies from the American Film Institutes’s list of 100 greatest movies of all time [see the list here]. Number 94 on the list is Pulp Fiction. I have 93 movies to go.
Oh I’m sorry. Did I break your concentration?
One of the first scenes in this movie is of two hit-men talking about what people call a ‘Big Mac’ in other countries. This dialogue isn’t just entertaining…but it kind of is disarming because it makes these thugs come off as normal. And a few minutes later the hit-men taunt their victims with questions about the ‘Royal With Cheese.’
This movie is full of random crap like the Big Mac conversation. Independently, you might assume that these scenes are arbitrary and strange…but when pieced together this movies feels not only super coherent and funny but also incredibly orchestrated.
I think it’s kind of funny (ironic even) that people have spent so much time debating what is in the suitcase. It’s in the title, fools….this is just pulp fiction. We shouldn’t look for deep meaning and explanation. I get the impression that this is just an exercise in style and technique (albeit a brilliant and layered one).
This movie is so much better when you realize it’s just a black comedy dressed up like a crime drama.
Random stories pieced together in a crime drama that’s funny.
Someone sexy. Seriously, this cast doesn’t have a single hottie.
Posted February 20th, 2011 by Mike Lawson
My goal for 2011 is to watch all 100 movies from the American Film Institutes’s list of 100 greatest movies of all time [see the list here]. Number 95 on the list is The Last Picture Show. I have 94 movies to go.
Chicken fry me a steak and try to use meat this time!
Yes. Yes. Yes. Another movie that affirms why I’m doing this 100-movies-in-a-year bullshit. This movie is funny, raunchy, and deep. I was hit hard with nostalgia with the accurate portrayal of that summer-after-senior-year state of mind.
This movie takes place in the dead town of Anarene Texas…and is based on a Larry McMurtry novel. Director Robert Surtee totally captures the desolated (and dare I say “enchanting”) aura of a dusty Texas town in the early ’50s.
Seriously, the cast list alone spells success: Cybill Sheperd, Cloris Leachman, Randy Quaid, Jeff Bridges, Ellen Burstyn. Back in 1971 most of these people were unknown, and sadly the best actor in this movie, Timothy Bottoms who played Sonny, remained pretty much unknown.
This script takes a cast of horny teens and fucked-up adults and creates a lurid entanglement of sexual liaisons, dirty secrets and naked pool parties that had the potential to become a tawdry, sleazy soap opera…but in The Last Picture Show they are crafted together with some complex characters that create a powerful story that is both enigmatic and moving.
High School is done, now it is time to start.
more fans. Why isn’t this movie referenced more often?!
Posted February 10th, 2011 by Mike Lawson
My goal for 2011 is to watch all 100 movies from the American Film Institutes’s list of 100 greatest movies of all time [see the list here]. Number 96 on the list is Do The Right Thing. I have 95 movies to go.
Trust you? The last time I trusted you, Mookie, I ended up with a son.
This movie is exactly why I’ve decided to watch all 100 movies. This is a total gem.
This movie is about 15 different people on one of the longest, hottest, most memorable and possibly the most tragic day of their lives.
It starts with a totally 1989 dance sequence – Rosie Perez busting a move to Public Enemy’s Fight The Power. And ends with a totally calculated slap to the face. Wake up America! This shit is real.
You can do nothing. You can do something. Or you can do the right thing.
Both sides have good intentions, and Mookie’s stuck between them.
Nothing.
Posted February 8th, 2011 by Mike Lawson
Do you know what Craigslist Missed Connections is? If not, here’s a snarky explanation that makes you feel stupid for not knowing what it is:
Oh my god! You really don’t know what Missed Connections is? Did you just get the Internet or something? Don’t answer that. Anyway, Missed Connections is this page on Craigslist where people post stories about when they came across someone who they wanted to talk to but didn’t. Just about everyone (well, except you) reads this page and looks for people who are looking for them. Like, “Hey, I saw you in the grocery store buying melon and I totally thought you were hot.” And then the hot melon buyer could respond and connect with someone they were too afraid of connecting with in real life. Get it now??
So I received a message from a friend telling me that there was a Craigslist Missed Connection posting that was probably about me [link]. It says this:
Barista at Starbucks – m4m
You’re really cute. You give me my drink almost every day. You’re nice and I get the feeling that you want to chat some more. I drive a white car. Your name is Mike.
If you know me, email me and tell me what my drink is.
Okay. I’m quite positive that this ad is about me. I’m positive because the ad also has the location of the sBux I work at (I censored it for this blog post) and I’m the only Mike that works at our store.
So what’s a desperately-seeking-barista to do??
Ignore this blog URL for a second because this is the Buddha-Spaking-Truth: I see about 50 regular customers on a daily basis. And of those 50 about half(ish) are men. And then this morning I started suspiciously eyeing every male driving a white car that comes in regularly and I’ve narrowed the possibilities down to about 5 customers. Oh god, am I over-thinking this?
I really am not interested in friendship or more with about half of the five (forget for a second that 5 is an odd number). My options then are rather limited. I could:
- Respond to the ad. And possible start a conversation with a creep.
- Respond to the ad. And possible start a conversation with someone I’d genuinely enjoy creating a friendship with.
- Not respond to the ad. And continue to live creepy-customer free.
- Not respond to the ad. And lose out on a cool new friendship.
What would you do???
Posted February 6th, 2011 by Mike Lawson
My goal for 2011 is to watch all 100 movies from the American Film Institutes’s list of 100 greatest movies of all time [see the list here]. Number 97 on the list is Blade Runner. I have 96 movies to go.
I have had people walk out on me before, but not… when I was being so charming.
Okay, I’m sure the visuals and set design were super impressive back in the 70s. But really, this movie really lacked something. This boring storyline – in which Harrison Ford plays a futuristic bounty hunter as he attempts to track down these nutso runaway humanoid robots – is incredibly reliant on the “stunning” visuals. And it was close to impossible to care about any of the underdeveloped characters once you’ve gotten past the film’s looks.
The synthesizer-heavy score (by Vangelis…who is responsible for the 2000 Olympic Games Closing Ceremonies music) only makes this movie harder to watch. That this movie is now considered a landmark achievement within the science fiction genre is straight-up baffling to me. The end of this movie really cements the film’s status as hopelessly overrated.
Man has made his match, and now it’s his problem.
A few solid characters or maybe a better-thought-out plot.
Posted January 25th, 2011 by Mike Lawson
I’m like a song-parody writing genius. Well, maybe I’m not good at actually writing the song parodies…but I’m really good at coming up with ideas for song parodies.
Here’s a list of song parodies I’ve come up with. If you want to write any of these songs, go for it…just send me a small check for a “creative consulting fee.”
* [sung to the tune of Bonnie Rait's Let's Give Them Something To Talk About] Let’s Give Them Something To Blog About
* [sung to the tune of Sheryl Crow's The First Cut Is The Deepest] The Last Hour’s the Longest – a song about how the last hour of work is dreeeaaaadful!
* [sung to the tune of Lady GaGa's Pokerface] Butterface
* [sung to the tune of Britney Spears' Hold it Against Me] Buy my Ten-Speed
* [sung to the tune of Rihanna featuring Drake's What's My Name] We Look The Same – Oh Na Na! We Look The Same (a song about identical twins)
* [sung to the tune of Pink's Raise Your Glass] Wipe Your Ass
* [sung to the tune of Bruno Mars' Just The Way You Are] Just The Way You Were
* [ sung to the tune of Willow Smith's I Whip My Hair Back And Forth] I Dip My Chip Back and Forth – a song about someone who double-dips at parties.
Again…you’re welcome to steal any of these ideas. I don’t want any credit. Just cash.
