This is the one that it is kind of awkward.

This is the one about my super-glamorous job.

Whenever you think that you have a shitty job, think of this incident report I had to write a couple of weeks ago:

Your welcome.

This is the one that is both cute and a little sad.

First, I must offer a piece of background information: here in the beautiful Valley of The Sun, the company SRP holds a monopoly on supplying electricity to all homes and businesses.  If you’re reading this somewhere other than AZ, you might not know this information.

Alright…now onto the story.

Last week we had two power-outages in the building I work in.  It was still kind of light out, but that didn’t stop the kids from screaming and acting like it was a scene straight out of Paranormal Activity 2.

Our lights came on, and we resumed our normal activities and a mom came in to pick up her son and told me that the grocery store down the street was closing because they were still without power.  I calmly walked to all of my instructors to give them some instructions on what to do if the power goes out again and to pass out flashlights.  When I was in the performing arts room, a seven-year old named Pablo overheard me talking to the dance teacher and chimed in.  “You know, Mr. Mike if the power keeps going out all you have to do is go to Walgreens and they have an SRP box.  Once you put some money in your lights will work.”

I laughed and felt sorry that the kid knew about having his power switched off.  It was like the feeling of eating a chocolate-covered pretzel…salty and sweet, except this was cute and depressing.

This is the one about BINGO night.

At my place of employment we hold a monthly family night where we invite the families to come hang out and take part in an event.  A couple of weeks ago the receptionist made a big sign promoting the monthly get-together which was a Bingo Night.  Prizes.  Food.  Fun.  And of course, Bingo.

The big sign was hung in our lobby, and I was standing at the front desk pretending to look busy when a six-year-old named Joshua walked by on his way to the restroom.  All of the sudden I heard little Joshua yell, “There’s no F***n BINGO!”

“Excuse me, Joshua?”  I said as I leaned over the counter to give him my evil-principal look.

He was standing next to the big BINGO poster pointing at it.  The receptionist couldn’t find any BINGO related clip art so she made her own.  She used pictures of pool balls, but added BINGO numbers to them.  She added “B1″ and “N37″ and “F17.”  Joshua was pointing to the “F17″ and he wanted me to know that there was “No F in BINGO.”  Not that there was “No F**n BINGO.”

This is the one where I need a little seed money.

I’m sure I’m not the only one that dreams of working for himself.  What follows is a list of businesses that I’d like to run on my own.  All that’s missing is a bit of seed money.

LAUNDROMAT/COFFEE SHOP – I even have a name for this one.  The Lint Trap.  If you’ve done your laundry at a laundromat, then you know why this business would be successful.  The Lint Trap would be a clean, modern, comfortable laundromat with a full coffee bar and pastry shop.  Free wi-fi.  Come sit in our comfortable chairs and relax while you do your laundry.

And forget your quarters!  All of our machines take Lint Trap Credits.  You buy credits at the counter using cash, debit or credit.  And the machines will all have card readers on them.

And if you don’t want to do your laundry, it’s no biggie.  We’d still be a super hip place to hang.  Open mic nights.  Community meeting space.  Everything you want in a locally owned coffee spot.

CLEANING SERVICE – I know this is a bizzarro dream to have…but I want to clean your house.

Mike’s Maids will come in and do your annual top-to-bottom just in time for the guests that you have coming over.  Or for a smaller fee we’ll arrange weekly or monthly cleanings for you.

How are we different from other cleaning services?  Well, I’m not sure about that yet…give me some time to think up our unique angle.

ONLINE BOOK SELLER – I did this for a small time, and I really wouldn’t mind going back to it.  I want to sell books online.  I buy enough of them, so it only makes sense to try selling some of them using Amazon’s Associate thingy.

I made a bit of money, but I’d like to really get serious about it.  Like start going to used book stores searching for good deals on books that I knew I could make more for.

BLOGGING – Okay…impossible dream.  Wouldn’t it be awesome if I could somehow get paid to blog.  And I’m not talking about blogging for some company.  I think it would be awesome if I could write stories about my silly life or insipid articles about what kinds of businesses I’d like to run…and get paid for it.

What about you? If you could start a company, what would you start?

This is the one that is not so spontaneous.

I had the best idea ever.  Hookie Day.

Drew and I would call in sick one day and spend the morning in bed.  Watch television.  Eat bad food.  And turn off our cell phones.

Sounds awesome, right?

Well I have trouble with the hookie part of it…so I put in a time-off request for hookie day.  Lame.

This is the one that explains why I do what I do.

Why do you do what you do?

Hopefully you have a story.  In the past few months I’ve had conversations with people about work and I’ve found that a lot of people can’t tell me why they do what they do.  There has to be a reason.  At least tell me that it’s easy work for a decent wage.  I’d respect that more than the lazy I don’t really know answer.

Why do I do what I do?  I’m the program director for a youth-serving non-profit in Tempe, Arizona.  We run really affordable character enhancing programs for kids, and offer a safe, fun and positive place for kids to be during non-school hours.

And here’s why I do it:

When I left my third grade classroom on June 15, 1990 at Salk Elementary School there was no way for my 9-year-old brain to predict or imagine that one of my classmates, Autumn Wallace, was about to be brutally and senselessly murdered.

As usual, Autumn parted ways with us at Chanticleer Road.  Joshua, Jennifer and I walked north on Gilbert Street toward our apartment complex; Autumn walked east toward her empty home.  An hour or two later Maria del Rosio Alfaro knocked on Autumn’s door.  Rosie was a family friend, so Autumn let her in.

Rosie stabbed Autumn 57 times and stole $300 worth of property from the house.  Autumn’s mom Linda found Autumn dead hours after that.

Statistically speaking, there is a really large window in our society that needs to be shut.  Between the hours of 3pm and 6pm more children and teens are the victims of violent crimes than any other times.  Additionally, this same window is when children and teens find the most trouble and are the perpetrators in crimes.

Without a It’s-A-Wonderful-Life-like moment, it’s kind of impossible to figure out if the work that I have done has actually saved anyone from a fate like Autumn Wallace’s, or if we’ve inspired any children to break a cycle of crime or violence.  (Even though I still would love to run down the street yelling “Hello, Bedford Falls! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas, movie house! Merry Christmas, Emporium! Merry Christmas, you wonderful old Building and Loan! Hey! Merry Christmas, Mr. Potter!”)

But I’ve got my reason.  It’s a reason that gets me out of bed every morning.  It’s a reason that makes Mondays easier to handle.  And it’s an answer for the question Why do you do what you do? So tell me…why do you do what you do?

This is the one with a slip up.

Okay.  I’ve worked around children for some time now and I’ve gotten pretty good at holding in the “fucks” and “shits” that every adult has bubble up their throat from time-to-time.

I get hit on the head with a basketball and want to yell “Who the fuck threw that?”  but instead I’ve learned that to keep my job I must say, “Who the heck threw that?”

So yesterday I was playing a large game of NAME THAT TUNE with about 150 kids in the gym (the Sedona Club was in town and visiting our Club).  The game consists of different musical challenges and trivia questions.  Things like “who sings this song” or “finish these lyrics.”  It was fun.

I was super-prepared for the game.  I even had notes with a script. 

I should have known it was a bad idea to deviate from my notes.  I had four kids standing in front of the group and my notes said, “It’s now time for a dance-off.”  And I was going to play the song You’re A Jerk by the New Boyz.  And the kids would have to do the jerk.  The best dancer would earn points for his or her team.

Easy.  Not even an idiot could fuck this up.

So I was feeling good and decided to improvise.  I was straight freesytling.  And I said on a microphone in front of a gymnasium full of kids, “All right, now it’s time for a jerk off.”

A jerk off.

The second the words left my mouth I realized my mistake.  The adult staff in the room were laughing to the point of tears.  One staff fell to the floor in laughter.  I got red in the face.

A jerk off.  Seriously, Mike?

This is the one about this, that and another thing.

This post is kind of a hodgepodge of topics that I’m throwing together.

Firstly, I want to say that Summer Camp is almost over.  If your’e counting, I’ve got two days left.  That means in two days I will have a bit more free time, and I won’t be at work from sun rise to sunset.  I really couldn’t be more happy about this.  Whenever our After School Program is ending and we’re gearing up for summer, I find myself thinking, “I’m so ready to be done with the After School Program.  Thank god summer is starting.”  And now that summer is winding down, I’m thinking the opposite.

Secondly I’m taking a group of teenagers to California’s Six Flags amusement park tonight.  We’re leaving around midnight and returning at 6 a.m. on Friday.  I’m quite certain I’ll be bored, so follow me on Twitter to converse with me on the trip.

I also finished two books in the past week (give or take).  The 33rd book I read this year was Lux The Poet by Martin Millar.  In ten words: Incredibly jarbled and choppy but it is a decent story.  The 34th book I read in 2010 was Indecision by Benjamin Kunkel.  I picked up the book because I heard Kunkel on a radio interview or podcast (I don’t remember where) and came across his new relase at the library.  In ten words: Convoluted and not worth the time it took to read.

For those of you that still read this blog, thanks.  I’ll be giving it more attention in the near future.

This is the one about scary Internet witches that want to kidnap your children and cook them.

I’ve worked around children in some capacity for the past eleven years, and I’ve heard plenty of strong opinions about kids and social media.  The general consensus is that websites like Myspace and Facebook are a sexual predator’s playground and children have nothing to gain from such virtual cesspools.  From my experience, however, the benefits of socializing on the Interweb by young people are so many that it’s hurtful for us to continue making it difficult for youth to socialize on the net.

Let’s simplify this for a second: teens – who have traditionally been difficult to motivate to read or write – are spending their free time reading and writing.  Teens – who aren’t widely known for using their analytical skills or for socializing outside of their comfort zones – are using their analytical skills to diversify their circle of friends.  What’s wrong with any of that?

Don’t get me wrong.  I know that there are creeps trolling the web trying to talk to your children.  In fact, if you search the Internet long enough you’ll be able to find some antiquated article from a paper like the Tallahassee Times about some teen that made a bad choice to meet some pervert at a Waffle House on a Friday night.  I get that.  I know they are out there.  But I also know that if you send your pre-teen out to the mall on a Friday night there are equally pervy guys out there and that threat is just as real.  And don’t you remember the wave of stories in the late 80s where men were driving up to groups of unsuspecting young women and exposing themselves?

If I were a parent (and every day that I look at my little-bitty bank account, I’m glad that I’m not), I would avoid completely banning social networking.  I’d tell my children about the perverts that are out at the mall, on the internet, and maybe even working at the local grocery story…but I wouldn’t try to scare them into thinking every person at the mall, on the interent, or working at the grocery story was a child-molesting scumbag.  I would warn my kids about over-sharing personal information to any stranger (on the internet or otherwise)…but I would still encourage them to blog, update status messages, and share their feelings to their social networks online.

So I guess my overall point is this: the ban-all-things-cool-about-the-internet-because-we-are-afraid-of-scary-internet-monsters approach won’t work.  Kids are smart, and when mom, dad or the school principal start telling cautionary tales about Internet witches that want to kidnap children and cook them in a children-shaped oven, they tune you out and miss the real message: don’t assume that everyone is good.  End of story.