This is the one about my “eating” disorder.

Posted December 2nd, 2009 by Mike Lawson

I enjoyed writing that confession yesterday about the shame involved with my musical preferences, that I thought I’d write another confession.

I had an “eating” disorder.

I put quotations around “eating” because it didn’t necessarily have anything to do with food.  What I’m talking about is Diabulimia; Diabulimia is a disorder in which people with Type 1 diabetes deliberately give themselves less insulin than they need, for the purpose of weight loss.

It’s been a couple of years since this was the case, and it wasn’t entirely intentional.  There were a few factors I can blame for the extreme weight loss.  First, I was diagnosed as a Type 2 diabetic, and my doctors tried to control my blood glucose levels using oral medications and diet and exercise.  This “mistake” let me live a life where I was exercising a bunch, but still producing no insulin, and I lost a bunch of weight.

Another factor that I can “blame” is my lack of medical insurance.  When I moved to Arizona, I started paying cash for all of my doctor’s visits and medicine, or simply doing without if the cash wasn’t there.

And the last factor, and probably the strongest one that led me toward Diabulimia: the desire to be thin.  I made bad choices.  I’m a logical person, and deep down somewhere inside of my newly thin body, I knew that skipping insulin could have some really grave effects on my long-term health, but those fears were pushed aside…achieving thinness overrides the logic of medical complications.

Look at this Before/After shot I took in November 2007:

Yikes!

I’m taking care of myself now.  And I’ve put on a few pounds.  But I’m not back to where I used to be.  I’ll be honest, I still sometimes think to myself damn, I’m getting big again. And then I have to talk myself into shooting up with insulin.  It would be easy to stop taking insulin for a bit just to drop a few pounds.  But the complications are scary:

• Diabetic ketoacidosis (DKA) – that’s what put me in the hospital last spring
• long term damage to the eyes – maybe even blindness
• kidney damage
• nerve damage
• amputations
• DEATH

Being fat and alive is better than being skinny and dead, right?  My goal is to become as healthy as possible, while sticking to my doctor’s plan.  I’ll be writing my New Year’s resolutions soon, and I’m sure the words “insulin” and “blood glucose testing” and “exercise” will be making apperances.

Another confession done.

Wikipedia Link: Diabulimia