This is the one where I look like a complete ass.
Posted August 25th, 2010 by Mike Lawson
I was kind of hesitant to post this story…but then I thought honest blogging is good blogging. Then I thought a true lady doesn’t kiss and tell. Then I thought a penny saved is a penny earned. And I started getting all of my clichés all confused.
So whatever. Here’s the story of that time when I was a selfish ass.
About 7 or 8 years ago, when I was living in California I was dating this guy (whose name escapes me…Darrell? David? Who the hell knows?!). Physically, the guy was an 8 or 9. He kind of looked like CNN’s TJ Holmes, minus the suit.
We did normal date things. Dinners. Movies. Visits to the beach. Whatever. But I started noticing that he was hesitant to get too intimate. We would make out, but when I’d try to get second base, I’d get the mormon-brush-off.
We were like three or four dates in and I was starting to realize that aside from his CNN anchor looks, there wasn’t much else that I liked about the guy. He was going to school to be a veterinarian. Loved horses. Spent all of his free time at the horse stables. And the closest I’ve been to a real horse was when I rode the stagecoach at Knott’s Berry Farm.
So it fizzled.
He was going to come over to my place to watch a movie for our fifth or sixth date, and I made a resolution. I was done. This movie date would be our last get-together, but maybe I could get more than a kiss…if you follow.
He showed up and we watched a movie. We rolled around on the bed, but I didn’t get anything that I had hoped for.
After the movie I was kind of a jerk. He wanted to hang out some more but I did that fake yawn thing and looked at the clock. He got the hint and left.
For a normal person, this story would end now. But for some reason my life is stranger than fiction, and too many of my experiences are worthy of a tele-novela plot point.
Please remember that when I said “goodbye” that night, I had every intention of never seeing this guy again. I like a little hard-to-get…but I’m no fan of unattainable.
Later that night I got an email. The gist of the email was this, “I like you a lot. I’ve been less-than-honest. I was diagnosed with HIV about a year ago and I thought you should know before we get any more intimate.”
Fuck.
What were my options after that?
1. I could ignore his email. Dodge his phone calls. And look like a complete ass.
2. I could respond that I wasn’t really interested in him, and it had nothing to do with the HIV. And look like a complete ass.
3. I could lie and continue to date him for a while and slowly break it off. Stringing him along and looking like a complete ass.
What would you have done? I ended up going with number two. It was the only honest approach…but I’m sure I came out of it looking like an ass in his eyes.
What would you have done? Additionally, would you pursue a relationship with someone if you learned early on (way before you LOVED the person) that they had HIV? I’m super-curious.
8 Responses to “This is the one where I look like a complete ass.”
August 25th, 2010 at 11:22 am
I don’t think you look like an ass at all. Clearly you were trying to move things along, and he must have been getting signals that things were cooling off, at which point he finally decided he had to tell you. Whether deliberate or inadvertent, it made you reconsider a decision you’d already made out of politically correct guilt–would you have considered option 3 otherwise?–and made you feel like an ass for breaking off a relationship that you’d already decided to break off.
I’d have exactly the same thought process as you, btw, as I’m famous for overthinking things. On the flip side, it’s not just your issue: clearly at the time he still had some issues about his Poz status, and I’d be willing to bet that he doesn’t exactly look back on his actions with fondness either.
If I were in your shoes, I’d have gone with option 2 as well (OK, I’ll say Option 2 knowing it’s equally likely I’d have gone with Option 1 because I have my Ph.D. in Conflict Avoidance). If the relationship were further along, and things were actually working out, that would have been a completely different story.
August 25th, 2010 at 12:36 pm
Number 2. And I don’t think you were a complete ass. He pretty much gave you an out.
Imagine if he hadn’t told you and things went further…
August 25th, 2010 at 1:21 pm
I’ve dated a couple pos guys. I would do it again.
Timing for this did suck the big one. I wonder if it had gotten serious earlier if you would have found more ‘things in common’ as opposed to looking for things not in common.
That being said I would have ended the relathionship as he disclosed it on email. That is a very childish way of telling you something terribly important. If he could not tell you something that serious to your face what kind of relationship could you build? Relationships are all about being honest and telling people scary things, yes he might have met a ton of asses, (would he want to be with them anyway). However, eventually he would meet someone who would appreciate the honesty and figure out what happens next.
So I wouldn’t feel like an ass for any of the choices and told him option #4.
#4 If you cannot tell me important things about you in person, I don’t think we have a chance.
August 25th, 2010 at 8:39 pm
He was an ass for not being honest with you from the beginning.
You were not an ass for the way you broke it off.
You were a bit of an ass for trying to get some after you knew you were done with him.
And to your last question… I wouldn’t date someone who was HIV . I’ll use the same “single-parent” logic that I’ve used before in different conversations. I think it’s irresponsible to pursue a life as a single-parent, and I would never seek out a child if I was not in a relationship. However, sometimes life happens and you find yourself being a single-parent. If that happens, embrace it and do your best.
I would never attempt to start a relationship with someone who was HIV (or any other fatal disease). That’s not being responsible with my heart, health, and sanity. But if I was in a relationship with someone and “life happened” I would embrace it and do my best.
August 26th, 2010 at 9:47 am
I like your approach, Jeff. And you’re right it was totally stupid of me to think that I’d go get some AFTER I decided I was through with him…but I was young.
August 30th, 2010 at 9:50 am
Yea, tough decision. BUT if he looked like that, wow, dude’s a hottie!
August 30th, 2010 at 11:15 pm
I think Option #2 is by far the least asslike option. You were honest. You were going to break it off regardless of HIV. …but I often err on the side of being TOO honest…
August 31st, 2010 at 8:13 pm
You might have looked like an ass, but you weren’t being one.
I would date somebody with HIV if I thought that the person was responsible about xyr health at that point in time and would be respectful of my health and boundaries as well- basically things I would want anyways.
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